4/27/16
Tomorrow is three weeks to the day from when I learned I had cancer and will be my first chemo treatment. I was originally scheduled for next Tuesday, 3-May, but a series of complications with the tumor in my lymph nodes forced us to accelerate. Three days ago I woke up to significant pain under my left arm in the area of the tumor. The next day it was unbearable, it hurt so much it made me light headed. I was also having chills and hot flashes, my temperature read 99-100 deg. I emailed the doctor about my condition and he called me. Without being able to exam me he couldn't tell specifically what was wrong but likely the tumor was pushing into one of the major nerves that runs through my arms and that pinching was what I was feeling. He didn't understand the fever and chills and thought that would be something to see my PCP. We agreed to accelerate the chemo to get started and make sure the tumor wasn't growing into anything else. Am I mentally, emotionally, and physically ready for this?
To start getting used to life with short hair I chopped it all off, and dyed what was left a dark brown. That was pretty extreme. Gary got a new wife haha. We picked the boys up from school and I got videos of both boys reactions. I thought Brady would do well and Parker would be scared. It was almost the opposite. Brady said "that's not my mom" and "you look like Grandma Reggie", while Parker ran up and just looked at me before giving me a hug and saying "up". Mommy is always happy to hold her little squishy. I made notifications and delegations at work and prepared for tomorrow.
My hair is still a little poofy, I'm sure it'll flaten in the coming days as it gets used to it's own weight (or lack of weight).
Having cancer makes you think how all your previous worries, bothers, and complaints seem so minor. Something needed to be taken care of at work - did it have to be you? Could it be done tomorrow? Would it be better for someone else to do it? Sometimes my home is messy. I have two small boys, 3 pets, and two tired grown ups. Yea, sometimes we chose family time or relaxing instead of cleaning up. Were we in shape? Were we happy with our lives? Could we do more of this or less of that? Always seeking and questioning balance. I remember an arguement Gary and I had a few days before the bad news. We were both being stubborn on something (I don't even remember the topic), so he brought me home flowers. When I asked if they were sorry flowers he said no. I watered them because they were pretty but they were there in the middle of the room reminding me of the stalemate. Then I found out I had cancer. Yep, I lose.
Tomorrow a chemical will be entered into my veins that will seek and destroy rapidly dividing cells. Another chemical will prohibt DNA replication. This is called "AC". In addition I will recieve a sedative, steriod, anti-nausea medication, and potentially other drugs to balance the side effects. A chemical cocktail. I will receive this over 2 hrs via IV. What will it feel like? What will I feel like afterward?
I still wish we were joking about an "oops" kid #3 instead...
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