4/28/16
Today I received my first chemo treatment. The day started with a visit to labs to check my blood levels (all good) then a visit to see Dr Peppercorn and talk through the procedure. He examined the swelling in my left armpit which he thought was related to the swollen lymph nodes and blocking the body's ability to drain. Then I went for chemo. First I got a saline IV to make sure I had fluids. Then took two anti-nausea pills and got an anti-nausea injection in the IV, and a third anti-nausea IV bag. Now for the good stuff. The first was an injection into the IV of the "A" part of chemo, or what I called the red dragon. It has to be slowly injected by the nurse over 15 minutes. She had to wear a smock and gloves, and dosing had to be confirmed with a second nurse, this stuff is toxic. Same for "C" which dripped from a bag for 1 hr. After that I was done and free to go.
The most pain I felt was the nurse trying to locate and inject the IV deep into a vein in my right wrist (can't see the vein from the skin). After the infusion I felt drugged, like when you first wake up from surgery or come out of a deep sleep. I feel a little fatigue and slight nausea which I'm managing by keeping something light in my stomach (first trimester pregnancy), and my legs and arms feel heavy. I'm also finding that when I type my wrists go numb. And occasionally I have what'd I'd describe as occasional "pulls" in the muscles in my shoulders. Weird.
Short entry tonight so I can go get some sleep. Unfortunately not sure I'll actually feel any better in the morning, we will see.
Thursday, April 28, 2016
The Day Before Chemo (Day 20)
4/27/16
Tomorrow is three weeks to the day from when I learned I had cancer and will be my first chemo treatment. I was originally scheduled for next Tuesday, 3-May, but a series of complications with the tumor in my lymph nodes forced us to accelerate. Three days ago I woke up to significant pain under my left arm in the area of the tumor. The next day it was unbearable, it hurt so much it made me light headed. I was also having chills and hot flashes, my temperature read 99-100 deg. I emailed the doctor about my condition and he called me. Without being able to exam me he couldn't tell specifically what was wrong but likely the tumor was pushing into one of the major nerves that runs through my arms and that pinching was what I was feeling. He didn't understand the fever and chills and thought that would be something to see my PCP. We agreed to accelerate the chemo to get started and make sure the tumor wasn't growing into anything else. Am I mentally, emotionally, and physically ready for this?
To start getting used to life with short hair I chopped it all off, and dyed what was left a dark brown. That was pretty extreme. Gary got a new wife haha. We picked the boys up from school and I got videos of both boys reactions. I thought Brady would do well and Parker would be scared. It was almost the opposite. Brady said "that's not my mom" and "you look like Grandma Reggie", while Parker ran up and just looked at me before giving me a hug and saying "up". Mommy is always happy to hold her little squishy. I made notifications and delegations at work and prepared for tomorrow.
My hair is still a little poofy, I'm sure it'll flaten in the coming days as it gets used to it's own weight (or lack of weight).
Having cancer makes you think how all your previous worries, bothers, and complaints seem so minor. Something needed to be taken care of at work - did it have to be you? Could it be done tomorrow? Would it be better for someone else to do it? Sometimes my home is messy. I have two small boys, 3 pets, and two tired grown ups. Yea, sometimes we chose family time or relaxing instead of cleaning up. Were we in shape? Were we happy with our lives? Could we do more of this or less of that? Always seeking and questioning balance. I remember an arguement Gary and I had a few days before the bad news. We were both being stubborn on something (I don't even remember the topic), so he brought me home flowers. When I asked if they were sorry flowers he said no. I watered them because they were pretty but they were there in the middle of the room reminding me of the stalemate. Then I found out I had cancer. Yep, I lose.
Tomorrow a chemical will be entered into my veins that will seek and destroy rapidly dividing cells. Another chemical will prohibt DNA replication. This is called "AC". In addition I will recieve a sedative, steriod, anti-nausea medication, and potentially other drugs to balance the side effects. A chemical cocktail. I will receive this over 2 hrs via IV. What will it feel like? What will I feel like afterward?
I still wish we were joking about an "oops" kid #3 instead...
Tomorrow is three weeks to the day from when I learned I had cancer and will be my first chemo treatment. I was originally scheduled for next Tuesday, 3-May, but a series of complications with the tumor in my lymph nodes forced us to accelerate. Three days ago I woke up to significant pain under my left arm in the area of the tumor. The next day it was unbearable, it hurt so much it made me light headed. I was also having chills and hot flashes, my temperature read 99-100 deg. I emailed the doctor about my condition and he called me. Without being able to exam me he couldn't tell specifically what was wrong but likely the tumor was pushing into one of the major nerves that runs through my arms and that pinching was what I was feeling. He didn't understand the fever and chills and thought that would be something to see my PCP. We agreed to accelerate the chemo to get started and make sure the tumor wasn't growing into anything else. Am I mentally, emotionally, and physically ready for this?
To start getting used to life with short hair I chopped it all off, and dyed what was left a dark brown. That was pretty extreme. Gary got a new wife haha. We picked the boys up from school and I got videos of both boys reactions. I thought Brady would do well and Parker would be scared. It was almost the opposite. Brady said "that's not my mom" and "you look like Grandma Reggie", while Parker ran up and just looked at me before giving me a hug and saying "up". Mommy is always happy to hold her little squishy. I made notifications and delegations at work and prepared for tomorrow.
My hair is still a little poofy, I'm sure it'll flaten in the coming days as it gets used to it's own weight (or lack of weight).
Having cancer makes you think how all your previous worries, bothers, and complaints seem so minor. Something needed to be taken care of at work - did it have to be you? Could it be done tomorrow? Would it be better for someone else to do it? Sometimes my home is messy. I have two small boys, 3 pets, and two tired grown ups. Yea, sometimes we chose family time or relaxing instead of cleaning up. Were we in shape? Were we happy with our lives? Could we do more of this or less of that? Always seeking and questioning balance. I remember an arguement Gary and I had a few days before the bad news. We were both being stubborn on something (I don't even remember the topic), so he brought me home flowers. When I asked if they were sorry flowers he said no. I watered them because they were pretty but they were there in the middle of the room reminding me of the stalemate. Then I found out I had cancer. Yep, I lose.
Tomorrow a chemical will be entered into my veins that will seek and destroy rapidly dividing cells. Another chemical will prohibt DNA replication. This is called "AC". In addition I will recieve a sedative, steriod, anti-nausea medication, and potentially other drugs to balance the side effects. A chemical cocktail. I will receive this over 2 hrs via IV. What will it feel like? What will I feel like afterward?
I still wish we were joking about an "oops" kid #3 instead...
Acceptance (Day 17)
4/23/16
Cancer is a very humbling experience. There are many stages you go through - disbelief, anger and frustration, sorrow, dealing with it, fear, and forgetting it. I just spent a wonderful day being the person I know I was destined to be enjoying breakfast with my family, taking my 4 yr old to soccer, lunch with the grandparents, nap ride driving through this beautiful part of the country as spring comes into bloom, an ice cream treat at a local farm stand, then an afternoon playing in the sandbox or t-ball with my boys, capped by a healthy dinner. The boys were quick to bed. Almost makes you forget you have a life threatening illness that's working counterproductive to all the things you were destined to be.
As I progressed through the shock and acceptance of my cancer diagnosis I let my co-workers know. That includes my supplier Pratt & Whitney. One of the guys I work with on a weekly basis at P&W shared his cancer experience with me. Metastatic melanoma (skin cancer) that has spread to his liver and his lungs - he is stage 4. He was diagnosed in Jan 2015 just after I took over the project. While I was building our first LM/P&W schedule he had surgery to have the skin on his back removed. Just before a joint briefing we would give he found it had spread to his lungs and liver. He tried an immuntherapy which made him extremely sick and had to be discontinued. He was switched to a targeted therapy drug to keep him comfortable. As our project began test he learned the targeted therapy was slowing the spread but it is only effective for 11 months before he will have to try another drug. He will try another immuntherapy drug middle of this summer just as we get back into testing. There is no Stage 5, he will have to live with the cancer and find ways to live with it. After hearing his story I felt truly humbled. I'm still in testing for staging, but if I am stage 2 it has a 93% cure rate. Shoot I should be able to work, play, exercise, heck run the Boston marathon with this. What am I complaining about?
This week I had my EKG (heart test) and MRI. The EKG was to baseline my heart function and verify it is strong enough for chemo and the subsequent treatments. It also gives the doctors a heart baseline so they can see if any of the functions are degraded with the chemo. The images were really neat, like my sons ultrasounds you could see all 4 chambers along with the aorta and major valves. Everything looked ok. I thought it was funny the valves look like flaps of skin blowing in the breeze. Next I had the chest MRI. I got so many warnings about the MRI - how closed in you would feel and how loud the machine is. My surgeon even recommended I take Aventi (sp?) prior to easy the nerves. Honestly I found it very akin to a hearing test. For my procedure, I laid face down on what looked like a massage table with two openings for the breasts. I went into the machine feet first. Overall it took about 15 min with half being pictures and half being pictures with a contrast injected into my veins. When the machine was idle it would chirp like a bird to let the technician know it was ready on standby. When it was running it would make these loud beeps on one side or the other. The technician would talk to me to tell me when a series of tests would be running, and I held a bulb in one hand if I needed to alert the technician of any concerns. Totally like a hearing test. The only difference was the contrast made my tongue feel swollen and had a funny taste, but that was it.
One more test next week for staging (CT chest/abdomen/pelvis) and a second opinion on treatment options at Dana Farber. After that it gets real with starting chemo. Looked into using the cold cap to try and save my hair from falling out but it is not real effective against AC chemo. May just give myself a nice short haircut before the fun starts.
Cancer is a very humbling experience. There are many stages you go through - disbelief, anger and frustration, sorrow, dealing with it, fear, and forgetting it. I just spent a wonderful day being the person I know I was destined to be enjoying breakfast with my family, taking my 4 yr old to soccer, lunch with the grandparents, nap ride driving through this beautiful part of the country as spring comes into bloom, an ice cream treat at a local farm stand, then an afternoon playing in the sandbox or t-ball with my boys, capped by a healthy dinner. The boys were quick to bed. Almost makes you forget you have a life threatening illness that's working counterproductive to all the things you were destined to be.
As I progressed through the shock and acceptance of my cancer diagnosis I let my co-workers know. That includes my supplier Pratt & Whitney. One of the guys I work with on a weekly basis at P&W shared his cancer experience with me. Metastatic melanoma (skin cancer) that has spread to his liver and his lungs - he is stage 4. He was diagnosed in Jan 2015 just after I took over the project. While I was building our first LM/P&W schedule he had surgery to have the skin on his back removed. Just before a joint briefing we would give he found it had spread to his lungs and liver. He tried an immuntherapy which made him extremely sick and had to be discontinued. He was switched to a targeted therapy drug to keep him comfortable. As our project began test he learned the targeted therapy was slowing the spread but it is only effective for 11 months before he will have to try another drug. He will try another immuntherapy drug middle of this summer just as we get back into testing. There is no Stage 5, he will have to live with the cancer and find ways to live with it. After hearing his story I felt truly humbled. I'm still in testing for staging, but if I am stage 2 it has a 93% cure rate. Shoot I should be able to work, play, exercise, heck run the Boston marathon with this. What am I complaining about?
This week I had my EKG (heart test) and MRI. The EKG was to baseline my heart function and verify it is strong enough for chemo and the subsequent treatments. It also gives the doctors a heart baseline so they can see if any of the functions are degraded with the chemo. The images were really neat, like my sons ultrasounds you could see all 4 chambers along with the aorta and major valves. Everything looked ok. I thought it was funny the valves look like flaps of skin blowing in the breeze. Next I had the chest MRI. I got so many warnings about the MRI - how closed in you would feel and how loud the machine is. My surgeon even recommended I take Aventi (sp?) prior to easy the nerves. Honestly I found it very akin to a hearing test. For my procedure, I laid face down on what looked like a massage table with two openings for the breasts. I went into the machine feet first. Overall it took about 15 min with half being pictures and half being pictures with a contrast injected into my veins. When the machine was idle it would chirp like a bird to let the technician know it was ready on standby. When it was running it would make these loud beeps on one side or the other. The technician would talk to me to tell me when a series of tests would be running, and I held a bulb in one hand if I needed to alert the technician of any concerns. Totally like a hearing test. The only difference was the contrast made my tongue feel swollen and had a funny taste, but that was it.
One more test next week for staging (CT chest/abdomen/pelvis) and a second opinion on treatment options at Dana Farber. After that it gets real with starting chemo. Looked into using the cold cap to try and save my hair from falling out but it is not real effective against AC chemo. May just give myself a nice short haircut before the fun starts.
Ok Now What (Day 8)
April 15, 2016
It's been a heck of a week. It took pretty much all of last weekend to digest the news and mentally start to deal with having cancer. Wednesday I got to meet the Oncologist (Cancer doctor) and surgeon. Lots of Harvard degrees between those two, along with the Harvard medical student shadowing them. Both doctors were of the opinion to do chemotherapy first to shrink the tumor then do surgery. So here's what I learned about the scary word 'chemotherapy' - I will be receiving a type of chemo called "dense dose" chemo every two weeks x 8 visits (ie 4 months). This chemo is a nasty mix of two chemicals nicknamed "AC," the "A" blocks DNA production and repair having a greater negative effect on rapidly dividing cells like cancer cells (or hair folicles) and the "C" stops cancer cells from replicating. Next we switch to another chemo called "T" that slows or stops cell division or keeps enzymes from making the proteins needed in order to grow. As if that wasn't fun enough, AC is given in an IV for 2 hrs, T is given in an IV for 3.5 hrs. With T you also get a benadryl shot prior to minimze any allergic reaction. And prior to both you get labs to confirm your blood cell count is within safe levels to recieve the chemo, and you can take a relaxant. So not only are you pretty well drugged up before, and during chemo, you also get a booster shot the next day to stimulate white blood cell growth to keep your levels safe. Of course with chemo there are side effects that also are managed with medicine like sleeplessness, nausea/vomitting, and mouth sores.
Sign me up coach! Good lord what have I gotten myself into.
I still have to go in for an EKG (baseline my heart function), an MRI (see if it's penetrated the chest wall), and a CT scan (another look at the cancer) to confirm everything and the recommended treatment plan. As of now I start chemo on May 3rd, two days after my birthday. The docs were kind enough to let us postpone it until after the kids birthday party and Mom's birthday visit to Fenway to watch the Sox beat the Yankees (hopefully).
With a plan ahead I was able to break the news to more family, friends, and co-workers. I let my boss know, who notified several of the VPs I support. We are looking for a quick backfill. I also let my team know, and Pratt & Whitney, a few friends, and my parents. The one on one conversations are killer - so much new information plus the shock, and trying to stay composed, and not get them any more worried than they need to be. It is very exhausting. Will tell the rest of the family and friends in an email which may seem impersonable but a good way to take some of the work off me and still keep them informed.
A friend once said God only throws at you what he knows you can handle, so he must think I'm pretty damn tough. Cancer get ready to get your butt kicked. For good.
It's been a heck of a week. It took pretty much all of last weekend to digest the news and mentally start to deal with having cancer. Wednesday I got to meet the Oncologist (Cancer doctor) and surgeon. Lots of Harvard degrees between those two, along with the Harvard medical student shadowing them. Both doctors were of the opinion to do chemotherapy first to shrink the tumor then do surgery. So here's what I learned about the scary word 'chemotherapy' - I will be receiving a type of chemo called "dense dose" chemo every two weeks x 8 visits (ie 4 months). This chemo is a nasty mix of two chemicals nicknamed "AC," the "A" blocks DNA production and repair having a greater negative effect on rapidly dividing cells like cancer cells (or hair folicles) and the "C" stops cancer cells from replicating. Next we switch to another chemo called "T" that slows or stops cell division or keeps enzymes from making the proteins needed in order to grow. As if that wasn't fun enough, AC is given in an IV for 2 hrs, T is given in an IV for 3.5 hrs. With T you also get a benadryl shot prior to minimze any allergic reaction. And prior to both you get labs to confirm your blood cell count is within safe levels to recieve the chemo, and you can take a relaxant. So not only are you pretty well drugged up before, and during chemo, you also get a booster shot the next day to stimulate white blood cell growth to keep your levels safe. Of course with chemo there are side effects that also are managed with medicine like sleeplessness, nausea/vomitting, and mouth sores.
Sign me up coach! Good lord what have I gotten myself into.
I still have to go in for an EKG (baseline my heart function), an MRI (see if it's penetrated the chest wall), and a CT scan (another look at the cancer) to confirm everything and the recommended treatment plan. As of now I start chemo on May 3rd, two days after my birthday. The docs were kind enough to let us postpone it until after the kids birthday party and Mom's birthday visit to Fenway to watch the Sox beat the Yankees (hopefully).
With a plan ahead I was able to break the news to more family, friends, and co-workers. I let my boss know, who notified several of the VPs I support. We are looking for a quick backfill. I also let my team know, and Pratt & Whitney, a few friends, and my parents. The one on one conversations are killer - so much new information plus the shock, and trying to stay composed, and not get them any more worried than they need to be. It is very exhausting. Will tell the rest of the family and friends in an email which may seem impersonable but a good way to take some of the work off me and still keep them informed.
A friend once said God only throws at you what he knows you can handle, so he must think I'm pretty damn tough. Cancer get ready to get your butt kicked. For good.
The Day I Learned I Had Cancer (Day 1) - April 7, 2016
April 7, 2016
Today I found out I have cancer. Cancer. Isn't that something only old people are suppossed to get? According to Google 246,000 women a year (1 in 8, or 12%) are diagnosed with breast cancer. 2/3 of them are over age 55. <5% are under age 40. I'm 37. I have a wonderful husband and 2 wonderful boys ages 3 and 1. Both boys are within a month of their next birthday. I have no family history of breast cancer. I'm not a smoker. I've been healthy for 36 years of my life. This past year I stopped working out as much and put an emphasis on my job responsibilities and raising two active young boys.
About 6-8 weeks ago I felt a lump on my left breast in the shower. It didn't hurt and moved a bit. I figured it was just hardening of the milk ducts after nursing two children and getting older. About 3 weeks ago I felt a lump in my armpit. That one hurt when I pressed on it. At that point I decided to schedule an appointment with a doctor. We never scheduled ourselves a PCP after moving to Boston, so I had to go to a local urgent care center. After that exam they referred me to Lowell General Radiology for imaging. Had my first mammogram. Being an engineer that was so interesting - it's basically a 3D xray. They also did an ultrasound just like with a baby, and were able to measure the size of the lumps. Turns out there were 7, the others being below the first one I felt on my breast.
They scheduled me for a biopsy to take samples from 3 of 7 lumps. After applying a local numbing agent, they inserted a long needle with a hook to collect samples. They took 3-4 from each of the 3 lumps. The device clicked each time and I watched on live on the ultrasound. It was interesting and creepy at the same time. For the next couple of days I was very sore and brusied on my left side. I waited 4 days for the results.
The technical diagnosis is invasive ductal carcinoma or IDC. Basically it's invasive (spreading), from the milk ducts, cancer. The next step is to see the surgeon and oncology. Since it's in the lymph nodes now it has the potential to spread to other parts of the body, so I will undergo additional testing to see how far it's spread and options for treatment. From everything we've read it starts with surgery to remove the tumors then to some form of radiation and/or chemo based on how much it's spread and where.
Now all life's plans are on hold. No looking to buy a ski condo. No starting our family business. Busy work schedules, vacations, 20 yr reunions, weddings all on hold until we know the treatment plan. So much for getting back in shape too although I'm going to continue anyway if only for the stress relief. Poor Gary, he already does so much for our little household, how is he going to manage 2 young boys and a cancer patient. And poor Brady and Parker, they're so young, how will they understand why Mommy is sick and can't hold them like before.
Facebook memory reminded me that 4 yrs ago today I was standing in a bluebonnet field with a very pregnant belly. A year after that I was planning a 1 yr birthday party for Brady. A year after that I was very pregnant again with Parker. And a year after that I was with friend at Rangers opening day.
Well today was a very different kind of day I'll always remember. It was rainy all day today, but today I looked at things a little different and I think about things a little different now. Will I see this day again next year? Who knows, but you never know what tomorrow might bring.
Today I found out I have cancer. Cancer. Isn't that something only old people are suppossed to get? According to Google 246,000 women a year (1 in 8, or 12%) are diagnosed with breast cancer. 2/3 of them are over age 55. <5% are under age 40. I'm 37. I have a wonderful husband and 2 wonderful boys ages 3 and 1. Both boys are within a month of their next birthday. I have no family history of breast cancer. I'm not a smoker. I've been healthy for 36 years of my life. This past year I stopped working out as much and put an emphasis on my job responsibilities and raising two active young boys.
About 6-8 weeks ago I felt a lump on my left breast in the shower. It didn't hurt and moved a bit. I figured it was just hardening of the milk ducts after nursing two children and getting older. About 3 weeks ago I felt a lump in my armpit. That one hurt when I pressed on it. At that point I decided to schedule an appointment with a doctor. We never scheduled ourselves a PCP after moving to Boston, so I had to go to a local urgent care center. After that exam they referred me to Lowell General Radiology for imaging. Had my first mammogram. Being an engineer that was so interesting - it's basically a 3D xray. They also did an ultrasound just like with a baby, and were able to measure the size of the lumps. Turns out there were 7, the others being below the first one I felt on my breast.
They scheduled me for a biopsy to take samples from 3 of 7 lumps. After applying a local numbing agent, they inserted a long needle with a hook to collect samples. They took 3-4 from each of the 3 lumps. The device clicked each time and I watched on live on the ultrasound. It was interesting and creepy at the same time. For the next couple of days I was very sore and brusied on my left side. I waited 4 days for the results.
The technical diagnosis is invasive ductal carcinoma or IDC. Basically it's invasive (spreading), from the milk ducts, cancer. The next step is to see the surgeon and oncology. Since it's in the lymph nodes now it has the potential to spread to other parts of the body, so I will undergo additional testing to see how far it's spread and options for treatment. From everything we've read it starts with surgery to remove the tumors then to some form of radiation and/or chemo based on how much it's spread and where.
Now all life's plans are on hold. No looking to buy a ski condo. No starting our family business. Busy work schedules, vacations, 20 yr reunions, weddings all on hold until we know the treatment plan. So much for getting back in shape too although I'm going to continue anyway if only for the stress relief. Poor Gary, he already does so much for our little household, how is he going to manage 2 young boys and a cancer patient. And poor Brady and Parker, they're so young, how will they understand why Mommy is sick and can't hold them like before.
Facebook memory reminded me that 4 yrs ago today I was standing in a bluebonnet field with a very pregnant belly. A year after that I was planning a 1 yr birthday party for Brady. A year after that I was very pregnant again with Parker. And a year after that I was with friend at Rangers opening day.
Well today was a very different kind of day I'll always remember. It was rainy all day today, but today I looked at things a little different and I think about things a little different now. Will I see this day again next year? Who knows, but you never know what tomorrow might bring.
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