Forgive me, I am not as eloquent a writer as Suzy was and obviously this is a very hard thing for me to write.
On the 11th of June, Suzy held a suprise Birthday party for me inviting family members over after Brady's last official T-ball game of the season. It was a wonderful day, surprising me with the Carvel Ice Cream Cake that I had been talking about since my last birthday. She wasn't feeling very well, but you could see the joy in her eyes. She was always happy when she was able to do something special for someone else. It was truly appreciated and totally not expected.
Later that night, Kevin, the boys & I went to Gillette Stadium for the Monster Truck Show! Suzy had planned on going a few weeks earlier and had bought groupon tickets. She wasn't feeling strong enough or well enough to go, but she wanted so much for the boys to go, so Kevin volunteered to help with the kids. It was amazing, the kids loved it! One of Suzy's greatest joys was to plan fun stuff for the boys to do on the weekends. Boy, has she kept them busy as well as me.
Sunday Thru Monday you could tell that Suzy was having a harder time eating and taking her pills. She started feeling nauseous when she drank or ate. When moved into certain positions she would feel very sick.
Monday, she was able to get up enough energy to go the Healing Garden in Harvard, MA. It took just about everything she had to get there, but she was determined, and she was very happy she went. She took part in a group that discussed Metastatic Cancer and was able to talk to people going through with similar diagnosis and issues. She also had a Shiatsu treatment while there and she said it was a wonderful gentle massage. She could also feel the fluid finally draining out of her legs.
When she got back from the Healing Garden she was very tired and was unable to eat much.
The next morning, Tuesday, she woke up not feeling well at all. She was weak and shaky and still unable to eat much. We had an existing appointment with the Personal Trainer to come to help her with the edema in her legs. The trainer had problems getting her blood pressure and her heart beat was faint. So we called the VNA (visiting nurse) to come out and give Suzy a check up. The nurse was a little concerned but suggested Suzy continue trying to eat. She advised that if she couldn't keep any food or her pills down that she should head to the hospital. Suzy decided to stick it out the rest of the day to see if she felt any better.
Suzy was gradually feeling worse throughout the day, but I think she was determined to see Brady and Parker home from school before she decided to go the hospital. So when I came home with the boys at around 6, she had decided we should start to pack an overnight bag and drive into Mass General Hospital. She was feeling so horrible, that she suggested that perhaps we should call an ambulance instead of me driving her in. This was a shock to me, and I knew this was very serious. I did drive her to MGH myself but I will always wonder if that was really the right thing to do....
Before she got into the truck for the ride to MGH, she was able to come outside and sit down on the front step and give some big hugs and kisses to the boys. The boys were covered in wet sand from playing in the sandbox with the hose, but that didn't matter to Suzy. She wanted to take a bit and make sure that she gave her love to the boys. Reggie and I were a bit nervous because we wanted to get her to the hospital. But I think in a way, Suzy might have known that his was the last time she would see her boys....
We got to the hospital at around 8 pm and we were immediately escorted to the urgent area of the emergency department. They took some blood, did some tests, and you could tell they knew that her condition was worse than her previous stint in the hospital. We stayed in that emergency room until about 8pm the following day. Bob(father), Reggie (mother) and her brother Erik came by to say hi on Wednesday. She still was not eating, even though I kept on offering shakes and yogurt. We had a discussion with Dr. Peppercorn that day and his goal was to get Suzy feeling like she felt the Saturday before. The goal at this point was not to roll back the cancer but to make her as comfortable as possible. Her cancer wasn't responding to the Chemotherapy.
That night we were able to move up to the oncology floor in Lunder 972, just around the corner of where we were 2 weeks prior. She was able to get comfortable that night and had a pretty good rest.
Throughout the day on Thursday, Suzy would go in and out of sleep and in and out of various states of lucidity. When she talked she seemed very happy and would identify what family members were in the room. During this time, I was continually trying to get her to eat something. I managed to get her to drink an Ensure over the course of the day, but that was about it. On her Ipad we had Family Feud playing on YouTube to give her a few laughs. Over the last few weeks, she had looked forward to watching Steve Harvey and the Feud, it was something that she could do with the family with her limited mobility.
By this point a lot of her family members were in and out of her room, Her Mother Reggie and Father Bob, her brothers, Erik and Chris, and Chris's partner, Trish were there, along with her cousin Kevin.
Later in the day we had a visit from Dr. Reynolds, the floor Oncologist as well as the Palliative Care doctor. They had told us the devastating news that they believed Suzy's decline could not be reversed and her body was starting to shut down. The goal then became to make her feel no pain. This was heartbreaking. We all knew what that meant, even Suzy. This was a very hard pill for me to swallow. This was it, and I felt like I had failed in someway in taking care of Suzy.
As the night came near and her parents left for the day. I set the chair next to Suzy, I held her hand and watched one of her favorite movies, Austin Powers, with her. We had started watching it the night before but we had both fallen asleep.
Later that night, I guess I had fallen asleep watching it again. Around mid-night I woke up and I didn't see Suzy in her bed. I panicked, started to run out of the room and saw that she was lying on the floor next to bed, wanting help to be picked up. I called the nurses and we got her back into bed. Apparently she tried to get out of bed to use the bathroom. So the nurses helped her with that, got her into bed, and she went back to sleep.
Now it was after after midnight and one of our favorite shows on Netflix, The Ranch, was starting a new season, so I propped up the Ipad and watched 2 episodes with her before falling back asleep.
The next day, Friday, I don't think she really ever woke up. She had been placed on a constant slow drip of Dilaudid for pain and that made her drowsy. In the morning you could tell she was uncomfortable so they increased her pain med dosage to make her more comfortable.
The rest of the day more and more family came in. Along with the others, Bob's wife Terry, her brother Paul, my parents, my sister Jennie and her husband Andy as well as her Uncle Arnie and his wife Barb came. We didn't know how much longer Suzy was going to fight. We were all hoping for a miracle, we knew how tough of a fighter she was.
Later in the evening, we all could tell her breathing was getting more and more shallow. Everybody was in the room. Some of us were next to her, whispering that we loved her in her ears and letting her know that it was ok to go...she could stop fighting and finally rest. At around 8:15, Suzy passed away with all of us by her side.
It was devastating. I have never felt so much pain, so much anger, so much helplessness, so much sadness and so much worry about the future all at the same time. I am still in shock.
I love you Suzy. I always will. I will never forget you and I will always keep your memory alive in Brady and Parker.
As the night came near and her parents left for the day. I set the chair next to Suzy, I held her hand and watched one of her favorite movies, Austin Powers, with her. We had started watching it the night before but we had both fallen asleep.
Later that night, I guess I had fallen asleep watching it again. Around mid-night I woke up and I didn't see Suzy in her bed. I panicked, started to run out of the room and saw that she was lying on the floor next to bed, wanting help to be picked up. I called the nurses and we got her back into bed. Apparently she tried to get out of bed to use the bathroom. So the nurses helped her with that, got her into bed, and she went back to sleep.
Now it was after after midnight and one of our favorite shows on Netflix, The Ranch, was starting a new season, so I propped up the Ipad and watched 2 episodes with her before falling back asleep.
The next day, Friday, I don't think she really ever woke up. She had been placed on a constant slow drip of Dilaudid for pain and that made her drowsy. In the morning you could tell she was uncomfortable so they increased her pain med dosage to make her more comfortable.
The rest of the day more and more family came in. Along with the others, Bob's wife Terry, her brother Paul, my parents, my sister Jennie and her husband Andy as well as her Uncle Arnie and his wife Barb came. We didn't know how much longer Suzy was going to fight. We were all hoping for a miracle, we knew how tough of a fighter she was.
Later in the evening, we all could tell her breathing was getting more and more shallow. Everybody was in the room. Some of us were next to her, whispering that we loved her in her ears and letting her know that it was ok to go...she could stop fighting and finally rest. At around 8:15, Suzy passed away with all of us by her side.
It was devastating. I have never felt so much pain, so much anger, so much helplessness, so much sadness and so much worry about the future all at the same time. I am still in shock.
I love you Suzy. I always will. I will never forget you and I will always keep your memory alive in Brady and Parker.
