2 Days Before Surgery - Conflicted

When is the last time you have committed to do something - a workout program, a class, building something - that lasted a full 9-12 months?  Maybe you don't do it every day, but you do it often, at least weekly and always have evidence of it around your house (workout clothes, course material, tools, etc).  Having cancer is a lot like this.  While you didn't choose to do it, it's something you work daily/weekly, and while you may not be happy with the outcome each step of the way it's a work in progress always assessing and making course corrections along the way.

I have to admit having parts of my body removed is terrifying.  As parents we try to be strong, even when the outcome is uncertain, because we have to be brave and face whatever life throws at us. Even then I'm beginning to have second thoughts about the bilateral mastectomy.  If my chances of dying from external causes is twice as likely as getting cancer, why not just do a unilateral?  Would be an easier recovery and less likely to have complications.  Am I being selfish adding additional recovery time for a bilateral and reconstruction when I should be focusing getting the cancer out of me and starting radiation?  Then again, 2 more weeks in recovery versus 9-12 months for treatment for cancer recurrence is a no brainer, right?  

Slightly less terrifying than losing body parts is getting back into shape.  Not working out the last 7 months has made me mushy.  If the cancer regiment weren't enough seeing my body deteriorate is just a bad.  I feel 100x better when I have on my wig and baggy clothes.  When can I get a real start on getting back in shape?  In radiation?  In my next 6 months of chemo?  On endocrine therapy?  In time for my sister in law's wedding in June?

One of the things this cancer journey has taught me is to stop over analyzing everything.  There is no right or wrong answer, only the one you can live with yourself for choosing.  Was helpful to talk with the radiation oncologist today and learn that only 10% of women have capsular contracture (scar tissue issues with the implant), and there are procedures to help correct it.  One less worry bead to keep me up at night.